folo

Ha-ave mussy, Rossmiller’s really gotten into this “y’all” issue (not sure I should even call it an “issue,” but “controversy” sure won’t do). Anyhow, it so intrigues him, he’s gone and done a whole post on it, heavily larded with scholarly research and stuff. No kidding.

Now, you can read up on all the academic studies he cites (dating from 1928 through 1984) if you need to, but since I assume that most of us around here learned “y’all” right after “mama” and “dada,” they’re a little superfluous to our purpose (which, I’ve always assumed, is to find something laughable as early as possible every day). Well, we too are in luck: by the time David satisfies himself that all formal commentary on the topic only confirms what he heard informally yesterday (i.e., to certified, card-carrying Southerners, “y’all” is invariably plural), he’s suffered a new brainstorm:

… So there it is. Might be a good plot for the next Grisham novel — an ear-witness heard the victim say “This is not right what y’all brought me here, when I said I needed a delivery of sweet potatoes I didn’t mean for y’all to actually bring me sweet potatoes” just before the fatal shot rang out, and the witness turned the corner to see the accused standing there by himself over the body.

The questions for the jury: What was the difference in meaning, if any, between the two uses of “y’all”?

Did “y’all” refer to a second person the accused claims was present and who fired the shot before placing the smoking gun in the accused’s hands and running off?

Did “y’all” refer to the accused, who was there by himself, and to additional criminal conspirators who were not present?

Or did “y’all” refer to only the accused, as the victim may have been merely impersonating a true Southerner but was in fact from Oregon and didn’t know the right way to use the word?

Could the Oregonian victim have been addressing the real killer who ran off, or perhaps the real killer and an accomplice unseen by the accused?

Or was the victim watching a video called “Best of Y’all’s Bloopers” at the time of the killing, and was the voice that of a New Jersey-raised actor speaking with a fake Southern accent?

And what of the Manchurian Candidate “stealth” judge on the state supreme court who stands ready to review any conviction — a hot supermodel turned jurist and secret linguistics expert who unbeknownst to herself is the twin sister of the victim, separated at birth and raised by sweet potato farmer “parents” who are really members of a criminal gang specializing in the brainwashing of children, and who have long been plotting the ultimate, perfect murder?

Ooo wee. Okay, not quite The Client or The Pelican Brief boffo — but just in case, Kycol, sounds like we in the Casting Department maybe oughta do lunch again. I’m thinking ‘cue. Or is that ‘que?

Oh God . . .